Or,'A Deconstruction of the 1st Episode of The Hills Just in Time for the 2nd Episode'
This is a guide to the inexplicably popular MTV show The Hills. Please charge your MTV video player 24 hours before attempting to view said program. basically, I watch the Hills on the tiny MTV video player screen (you, fictional audience, do the same) and we laugh and feel better about ourselves as we spill egg and pop on our pajamas.
This season starts a little differently than the others. It knows it's done wrong. they now have--in my opinion, an obligation to the public. They created Speidi, they created a few druggy headlines, and this show is the reason Lauren Conrad is an author. It's time they start taking responsibility, fessing up, as it were. There better be a lot of that in this episode. The Less Evil Pratt (Stephanie, I suppose. Hereby known as The Pratt) was apparently on of those public drug problems. The first real line of dialogue in this season is “Just had an AA Meeting.” Gotta love obligation.
This serious discussion about how The Pratt's life has taken a scary turn is punctuated by what is arguably the most obvious statement on the show: “Seriously, like, I’m only 23 and I’ve been to jail twice? That’s not normal.” And then UNpuncuated by Lauren Conrad's friend's (Lo or something stupid like that) essentially asking her if she's going to be boring now that she's 'better'.
“After the DUI…You’re on…probation, right? So…are you aloud to…go out with us?”
Lauren Conrad's friend invites the newly sober (wait, is she even going sober? They've addressed her very-well-documented problem, but have failed in showing us the solution) Pratt to go to Miami for the Superbowl. Then tells her big scary Kristen will be there.
In case you didn't know, Kristen is a bitch. I know because one time I was waiting for a bus and the girl in the shelter with me was on her cell phone, passionately telling her friend that Kristen was all sorts of bad words. But the one she used the most often was 'bitch'. Also because i believe at one point MTV advertised the show by claiming, 'the bitch is back.'
The Pratt is confused by Kristen's presence. We are then faced with my favourite The Hills dilemma: All the characters are trying not to acknowledge they're living in the lamest version of The Truman Show anyone could have possibly imagined. It is then, that we find ourselves with some pretty obtuse subtext.
What They Said: What They Really Said:
“She’s our friend!” "She's our friend!"
“...Really?” "...Really?"
“Well, she's trying to be.” "Well, she's on the show."
Then they talk about the other characters on the show. there is to be more acknowledging of mistakes made. There must be; at this point, the show can't deny it's the reason Speidi happened.
Instead: "I haven’t seen Heidi and Spencer for months.” Really? *I* could fucking tell you what they’ve been up to. I don’t even have to turn on a television and I’d know what they’ve been up to.
Butt Job, you say, good sir?!They gossip about the proceures we've all seen on that Heidi chick, and seem to only find 'Butt job' to be the weirdest. Such concern and love for thier fallen comrad. Confused and scared, the girls navigate their way through the hard-to-grasp concept of a butt job.
“Like, more junk in the trunk.”
“…wait, how do—how do you, how do you ad—”
“I DON’T KNOW.” *immediatelycuttothemesong*
Dear MTV, LOVED the opening credits. It's like someone tagged all thier old photos.
the Bitch.
Lauren Conrad's friend.
Heidi 'new face' Prattag
I’m glad that The Hills has finally, after basing the entire plot arc of season (?) on a tabloid fight that they refused to acknowledge, are taking responsibility for Speidi. The Hills has gone less of the ‘My bad.’ Route, and more of the ‘Look at these stupid dancing monkies!’ route.
As in literally heid-ing (haw haw) heidi’s face the entire scene. Dudes: we've SEEN it. I'm pretty sure that shit was on the news. and that's YOUR FAULT, creators of The Hills. ITS YOUR FUCKING FAULT.
Then we’re shown Miami, and Lo and Stephanie are apparently playing the narrator/forgotten middle child of the show, essentially saying, “I hope no drama happens.” “Yeah, lets just hope no drama happens here in Miami.” “I don’t want Mommy and Daddy to keep fighting…” "If there's drama, it'll be sooo much drama..."
Well hello there, Bikini Bod. Go fuck yourself.
BLAMO. Cut to Heidi explaining to her crying mother why she chose to look like Cher. I could make a bunch of jokes about her plastic surgery, but mostly it just makes me sad. I'm sad because I have no idea if it is really this girls lack of self esteam, or just one big publicity stunt. Sad because I'd like to blame that doofus Spencer Gross Platt, but I have a feeling this was all her. But I feel like in her memior she'll blame him. But I'm like 70% sure it's all her.
“I HAD MY OWN FAT INJECTED INTO MY CHEEKS.” I cannot list the things she got done, because I had to stop listening as she was saying it. It sounded THAT painful.
“Mom, there’s BRAIN surgery everyday!” Oh my...
“I always used to put water balloons in my bra, and I always wanted big boobs.” Oh, shit, she's got me there. That's fucking science, man.
Mother: Can...Can you fix your face?Heidi: No, MOM, this is PERMINENT.
Heidi: I didn't wanna look like the Cowardly Lion when I cry! YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE THE COWARDLY LION!!!!!!!!!1
Kristen: Fucking bitches be hoes.Back in Miami, The Brunette and Bro-mance star Brody Jenner flirt, and Kirstins all “Bitch Dun Noe.” She then drunkenly proclaims, ‘drama! Drama drama drama!’ because The Brunette went home. Then there’s a brief montage of her drinking, as if to imply she has some sort of alcohol problem.
…nahh…
I’m sure this Very Special Episode will stick to Heidi’s body image issues and leave alcoholism to Stephanie Pratt.
“Miami is soo different from L.A.” “Everything’s OPEN.”
To be fair to these girls, I felt like that earlier this week when I went to Niagra Falls and was able to buy dippin dots at 10:54pm. Different life choices, Same basic philosophy.
Back in the mountains, Heidi, her mom, creepy step dad and forgotten embarassed brother go out to dinner. Step dad tried to be supportive, all the while imagining what Heidi's mom would look with Heidi's new bits. He is entirley too eagar.
Tim: “How does it, how does it make you feel now that you’re starting to become this person that you wanted to be?” Settle DOWN stepfather Tim. Nope. He’s gonna keep going. “YEAH! Your face is more structured. It looks like it’s tighter or like, frozen, or…” “Plastic?” Heidi chims in. I bet the producers wet themselves, if they didn’t write that line. But Tim’s not done.
“Cold—well…I wouldn’t choose (the word plastic).”
“And that’s great for you. You live in the mountains.” I think the same rule applied in Brokeback Mountian.
WHO IS THIS KID? Smartest kid on the show. I feel the need to applaud him the way I would that Ozbourn kid we don't know exists.
Oh, and a drug addict.
Then Stephanie gets all upidy, because she has a DUI and that makes Kristen a ‘Liability.’ Then Lauren Conrad’s friend full out calls her a crackhead. God flippin’ damn. These bitches be crazy.
As someone who’s often late for things, I really hope this isn’t how my friends blow off steam when I miss my bus.
Worst pajama party EVAR.
Meanwhile, kireten is all “LOLZ GUYZ DEY TEXTIN ME! NO EL RESPONSO.”
Later they wake her up and judge her to her face.
She wakes up looking 10 times better than I do waking up, so of course they think it's meth. She gets up and begins packing, and they take four biiiig steps away from her and begin talking about her.
“But like, seriously, do we have to go out in public with her right now?” YOU’RE ON A TV SHOW. THERE ARE CAMERAS IN YOUR ROOM. WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. YOU ARE MIC-ED, AND LATER AN INTERN WILL CAPTION THE WORDS YOU ARE SAYING.
Kristen, who as I said before, is supposed to be a bitch, just became the hero. She calls them out for shenanigans, AND THUS THE DRAMA IS DRAMA-ED.
“Hey, Kirsten, your legs are like, tiny, you wear sunglasses all day—” you ALL LOOK LIKE THAT. My favourite part is when they tell her ‘people are saying things.’ And leave out that it was just the three of them drawing crazy conclusions because she wouldn’t come to their lame ass high-heel pajama party.
Sad music? Really? Like there’s even ANY sadness in this situation? I knew girls like this in highschool, they will find an issue in ANYTHING. Some bitches, hate to admit it, be crazy.
